eh

I'm kinda sleepless tonight, I have no Idea why. so random thoughts galore.
Ragnarok = fun, but I either need a better graphics card or rob needs a better chair. I was sitting at his computer for a little while to play and I finally had to stop because my ass fell asleep.

Crushes, I was thinking about a crush that I have that is well aware I have a crush on him. I'm still a little courious about his thoughts, but it's becoming less and less important, besides I really don't think I'm his type anyway.*shrugs*

school, blah

Jason: ahh how I miss you. I catch myself thinking about Jason quite a bit, I still really wish he was here. the past few nights Rob has had insomnia, I need a talking bed warmer. at least there is some small comfort in the fact that Jason's twin in thinking is in one of my classes. the difference is I can't snuggle with him, well and he's not completely head over heels in love with me....a feeling which I must say I share. but just talking to him makes the fact that Jason isn't here a little easier to bear.

Nightmares: something I've always been plagued with. it's usually worse when I sleep alone, so again, I wish Jason was here. I know there is no point in trying to get Rob to come to bed when he's not tired. and Jason was always ready and willing to be someone to scare the nightmares away when Rob couldn't. sounds kinda sad and childish but hey it can get scary when you dream of your significant other dying in some horrible way and wake up to find an empty bed. things like this have more then once brought me awake screaming and panicking. this is only made worse when the one I just dreamt about is not where he should be.

Husband: I've been really annoyed by the fact that he still hasn't filed for divorce, something he promised when we split. my chance to file is comming up in november, too bad I won't be able to afford it. I sometimes wonder why he hasn't filed yet. we havn't been together now for going on 3 years. I run many different possibilities in my head, it usually boils down to either he doesn't have the money either or he is still holding on to the tiny little shred he has of control over me. I have finally worked through alot of the different things about me I lost while I was with him. it was while I was with him that I became cynical and bitter. I lost the "sparkly" me. I'm still a little sad about that and I'm working to regain as much as I can of the old me. but I'll never be the old me again. I came to that realization long ago. I'll never be able to block everything out. I"ve also had MANY self esteem issues to work through, admittedly I really can't blame Doug for all of the problems but he definately didn't help matters when he told me my ass was getting wide, or when he told me I was "just being stupid" of things. with every little comment like that a little peice of me died, now I feel like I'm trying to raise the dead. 3 years and I still havn't gotten it all. but playful me is slowly but surly comming back. and my apathy is slowly going away. I will have to say that this change is for the better.

parties: I miss the old party days, we used to have some really good ones. but then I don't have near the friend base I used to either. so I really can't recreate this. I miss the days when it was nothing to wake up to almost every inch of floor space covered in bodies. good times.

this post is quicly turning nastolgic(sp?) so I better quit while I'm ahead.
Demonica